careful fear and dead devotion
by toolostforyou
Summary: i have only two emotions / careful fear and dead devotion / i can't get the balance right - Will/Mac


yeah this wasn't meant to be like this but it happened which always does when i'm writing. i'm prepared for any yelling over the beginning but it does end in fluff!

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i

he finds her on his bathroom floor. as he walked into his office he heard the sounds of retching and he was about to yell at whoever it was. he didn't care if it was saturday, he didn't want staff throwing up last nights tequila in _his_ bathroom.

it isn't until he notices the papers on the floor that he realises who it is. he doesn't know what to do when he pushes open the bathroom door. mackenzie's blouse has been thrown to the floor and she's just in a black skirt and a plain white cami but she's drenched in sweat.

what makes it worse is, he's sure he can see her stomach cramp the second before she throws up.

or maybe it's the painful sobs she's letting out when she can breathe.

but he's frozen. and she looks like she's about to pass out, each breath is a desperate attempt to pull oxygen into her lungs.

"mac?'

she goes to turn to look at him but she doesn't get half way around before she has to focus on the toilet bowl. will finds a spot behind her on the bathroom floor, pulling her short hair as far back as he can with the current length she has it cut at.

"pregnant."

ii

they don't even get to talk about before mackenzie is rushed to hospital. he hears the scream through his ear piece and there's silence before he hears the breath that means she's about to cry.

he doesn't even think about the fact they're mid broadcast before he jumps out of the anchor desk and he's pulling wires from his clothes. the familiar sounds of commercial break is filling the control room as he pushes open the glass door.

she's in the middle of the floor and her white trousers are turning red and she's looking at him like a lost puppy.

it takes him a step to reach where she is and he thinks she looks just like this mother in this moment. mascara running down her cheeks, mouth slightly parted and those big eyes. it makes it worse.

he just about hears someone coming in saying they call and ambulance.

iii

they knew how far along she was before the doctor's said anything. 13 weeks. they had slept together after one too many whisky's and memories and possibly five too many what ifs?

he sits by her bedside and ignores all phone calls, charlie tries to fight his way into the room but will has paid the nurses not to let anyone else into the room. her breathing is steady but he's worried that apart from a few minutes, she's spent the last thirty or so hours asleep. and for those few minutes when she's awake she's crying.

she finally acknowledges he's there about 9pm the next day but it's only because he's talked at her non stop for five minutes.

"i want to go home."

"they're letting you out tomorrow. you need another scan."

he wishes he hasn't said that because she starts crying again. he didn't think she would have the water in her and then there's the issue he's never seen her cry so much before. will stumbles over what to say, she's obviously known about this for weeks yet he knew for a matter of days.

"why…"

"shut up. i don't want to hear it."

the sharp tone of her voice makes him want to smile, because she's still there. beneath the blankets and tears, she's still mackenzie mchale and she will come out of this.

iv

mackenzie is let out the next day on the pretence she'll stay at will's. she spends the cab journey back insisting that she'll be fine by herself. he doesn't let her off and he takes her back to his, most of her things are already there after he got sloan to pick up some of mackenzie's things.

she heads straight for the bedroom but he stops her.

"you need to eat, I'll make you something. sit." he guides her over to the stool in his kitchen and she plays with an orange. she slowly peels off the skin and then plays with it.

all he can think is she's managed to make it an hour without crying.

he manages to throw together an omelette with what is left in his fridge. he places it in front of her and she looks at it as if she's forgotten how to eat.

his hand brushes against her hair and he kisses the crown on her head. he sits next to her, slowly touching her arm and hair until she eats the whole thing.

he then lets her go to bed, he sits on the edge of the bed and watches her for a while. she just stares out across the new york landscape but their hands end up together.

they wake up the next morning next to each other, their bodies inches apart but it's like they can't touch each other.

v.

"_sophie elizabeth mcavoy was born yesterday at 2:34pm weighing 7lbs and 4ozs. sadly, my ep will not be back for another 4 months so we might have some hiccups until then. i'm will mcavoy and goodnight."_

mackenzie can't help but smile as she watches will on tv, sophie wrapped in her arms surrounded by a cream blanket.

it took them a good 18 months to get to this point but they got there. it was hard enough to get will to work even if he agreed just to go in for the broadcast for the next few weeks until everything was settled.

she doesn't want to move since it took her about half an hour to gets sophie settled so when will walks in he finds them in the same spot.

"i thought you weren't going to say anything."

mackenzie had told him it was up to him if he said anything, the press knew she was pregnant but they had managed to keep the birth under wraps.

"i couldn't help myself. jim didn't even know i was going to say anything."

he leans over mac and kisses her on the cheeks before he turns his attention to sophie.

everytime he looks at her he feels a swelling of love yet the fear is there. the fear he's going to screw this up or that something will go wrong. the fear that still plague him when he looks at her mother.


End file.
